Believe, Desire, See

I can't believe it. I'm going to be a teacher.

This realization came these past few weeks. I'm in the Elementary Education program, and I'm in the part which emphasizes teaching in the classrooms. We learn about teaching in K-2 classrooms intensely for 2 months, and then we're out in the classrooms for a month! AHHH!!!! A week ago Friday, we visited three classrooms all different grades from K-2. Seeing the teachers teach with such passion, energy, precision, and love gave me the excitement to teach. Afterwards, there was this energy coursing through me which I couldn't contain. I just wanted to raise my hand and say, "Choose me! I want to try!!! I want to be just like you!" But then this dream feeling came over me. I saw myself as a teacher, and it was unreal. I felt like I was looking at something I wanted, but I couldn't touch. Very surreal. Anxiety started to surge my soul. What if I won't become a teacher? All these plans and dreams become wasted? What if I am not able to become the teacher I need to be? The teacher He, the Lord, wants me to be? Who He needs me to be? Then I was filled with peace. The peace that said I've gone through this before. I then realized, I have felt this surreal feeling and anxiety before. Many, many times before.

I was nervous every single basketball practice/game or before every theatre performance.

I was anxious when I started BYU.

I felt incompetent pretty much every day of the mission right from the get go.

And I felt lost when I came home from the mission...also right from the get go. Even if I look so confident. ;)

(I know you love these pictures so much Mom and Dad. I just had to put them in.)

All of these moments and many more came with uncertainty. They came with desire. They came with doubts. But the most important part is that these moments came, and I did the best I could with each moment. Before these events happened, I couldn't imagine being on stage or being at college, but then I did it. I proved myself wrong and accomplished what I was nervous about. I remember before going on my mission seeing missionaries on the street or in videos and thinking, "Wow. That would be so cool. I can't wait to be like them." I then went on a mission. One day, my trainer and I were walking, and I just stopped. My companion turns to me and asked why I stopped. I replied, "I just pictured us like the missionaries in the Ensign. Sister, we are missionaries!" She laughed, but it hit me. I was a missionary for The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. I have been seeing missionaries since I was little and dreaming about being a missionary since I was 17. I was fulfilling a vision which my heart and mind couldn't understand but deeply desired. I trusted in the Lord that this is what I needed to do, but it was hard for me to encompass that picture. But there I was. A sister in Croatia, walking the streets of Rijeka, preaching the good Word to those around me. Now I'm home. Reminiscing on the wonderful times. Not just as a missionary, but on all the moments I was nervous and couldn't see what the Lord could see. I needed time and a vision. "For if there is no vision, the people perish..." (Proverbs 29:18). With all of these events, I had hoped and desired for them to come true which made a chain reaction to seeing the vision and completing the Lord's vision.

So becoming a teacher is something I can't touch...at least...not yet. I just need to see with "an eye of faith." For when I do, I will be glad (Ether 12:19). I can testify of that. For I am so glad and grateful for the visions Heavenly Father helped me see. All the ones I mentioned above and so many more. And I know that I will continue to need help seeing what the Lord sees. That's the thing...I will continue. I need to keep moving forward figuring out what I need and want, but more importantly what the Lord needs and wants. For if I align my will with His, it will be such a more beautiful tapestry than I could ever imagine (see God's Time). I may not understand how I will fulfill the role of a teacher or even picture myself as a full-time teacher, but I'm excited. I'm excited to laugh every day with my students. I'm excited to decorate my classroom. I'm excited to learn from their examples. I'm excited to see the light of understanding in their eyes. Yes, being a teacher isn't all sunshine and rainbows, but it will be worth it. I can't wait to understand fully why it will be worth it. I can't wait for that day when I'll stop in my classroom like I did in Croatia many months ago and see myself as a teacher. That will be a blessed day.

I know that day will come. I also know your day will come. There may be things you are going through which you can't comprehend entirely like being a mom or dad, dating someone who fits everything you wanted and needed, being a missionary, finishing college, starting college, being an empty nester, teaching your kids to be the best they can be, or anything else. There are so many positions we can be in. There are so many places we need to be. But with Heavenly Father by our side, we can have the faith to see with His eyes and see His vision. We just need to picture it. We need to have faith and patience in His timing. It's hard to understand sometimes, but the truth comes. We see what we can fulfill. Then when we have accomplished that...the next opportunity comes. So don't be afraid. Just trust and take that step. For He will always be there to step right with us and show us so much more. Are you excited? I am. Life is a beauty. Can you see it? Can you see yourself in it? Look, because you're there. Volim vas.