Coming Home is Hard

I thought about holding this post out until my year anniversary coming home from my mission, but I felt like I should do it now.

Before coming home from my mission, people mentioned to me that it's hard. But no one could prepare me for how hard it would be. The last few weeks of my mission were the best I could have imagined. My companion and I worked as diligently as we could and because of that we saw the miracles. Miracles I had been praying for, and Heavenly Father blessed me by answering those prayers (Week #79). Even though I ended my mission better than I could have imagined, it still didn't change the fact how much I loved the people. How much I loved Croatia. How much I loved being a missionary (Week #76). One night about 5 weeks before I went home, my companion said that I was just denying how excited I was to go home and wanted to stop being a missionary. I looked at her and said firmly, "No. I love being a missionary." I then just started sobbing. I couldn't control it. I didn't want to stop being a missionary. I didn't want this time to end. I knew there would be no other time I would be a young full-time missionary ever again.

As mentioned in my last e-mail (Week #79), the last few days I was a hot mess. I remember the last bus ride to our apartment. We had just finished a fantastic lesson with my brother and sister from Rijeka who were the first Croats I met when I had arrived 17 months earlier. I was so happy. I couldn't contain myself. Then I thought about going home in 2 days. I started bawling. I was leaving. I then got excited because faces of people came into my mind. My mom, my dad, sisters, brother, in-laws, nieces, a nephew, and 3 nephews I hadn't even met yet. Friends and family who I love and have missed so dearly. I looked out the window. We were coming up a hill. The hill which you could see all of Rijeka and the sea so perfectly. The lights were shining so brilliantly on the buildings, the stars on the sea, and the boats in the distance. The tears came slower this time but steadily. How could I leave? How could I just continue on when I got home? My companion and I sat on the balcony enjoying a watermelon together reminiscing on the good times, laughing over the awkward times and talking about all the miracles that will happen to these amazing people even when I'm home.

Then before I knew it I was on a plane. I thought about the night before with my mission president, his family, and other missionaries who these countries were going to miss dearly. Who I was going to miss dearly. On the plane rides home, I still was able to have missionary experiences which comforted me. But the most uncomfortable I felt the entire time wasn't when I had to try to sleep through a 16 hour flight, wasn't when I left my companion being alone for the first time, it was when I was in the Denver airport. People were speaking English. There were people with cowboy hats and boots. It was all so strangely familiar, but how come I felt like I would feel more comfortable on an old bus with people who only knew Croatian with no air conditioning in 35 degree Celsius weather? Why did I feel so alone when people were speaking my native tongue? It's because I was transitioning. I was about to start my next destination.

Transitions are the worst. It's such an awkward and hard time. It's like driving a stick shift. It's hard to get used to especially for the first time or driving a car or truck you have never driven before. But if you want to get somewhere, you have to go through it. You have to try changing the gears even if it gives a weird sound. You have to balance the pedals. Sometimes make those scary left turns hoping that the car doesn't kill. Sometimes going up hill and then the car killing anyways. But you don't just sit there and give up. You start the car up again because it's worth it. You have to have faith that where you are going is better than where you are now-in the car and in life. It stinks sometimes especially when you loved the place that you were at and you don't want an ending. But the thing is that it isn't an ending. It's a beginning. As Elder Dieter F. Uchtdorf said at this last general conference, "The more we learn about the gospel of Jesus Christ, the more we realize that endings here in mortality are not endings at all. They are merely interruptions--temporary pauses that one day will seem small compared to the eternal joy awaiting the faithful...there are no true endings, only everlasting beginnings." It isn't in our nature to love endings, but if we see with an eye of faith, we will be glad (Ether 12:19). We will see that every ending is a beginning.

As I have come home, I have found some bumps in the road. I have "killed" the car a few times. But I also have gotten to many places where I want and need to be. I have met so many amazing people along the way. And I have faith that as I continue to change gears and move forward, I will get to the destination where I want to be with my Heavenly Father and brother, Jesus Christ. If you feel like you are stuck in the ditch, look up. There's someone there ready to teach you how to get out. I know this. I can't believe how many times He has answered me and helped me even though I'm very dumb and stubborn sometimes. But He is still there. He loves me. And He loves you. He's there for you. He's there to teach you how to move forward and has given you the tools how. Keep going. Keep smiling. There is hope. Volim vas.

Weak Superheroes

Ever since coming back from my mission, I heard of all these superhero movies: Iron-Man, the Hulk, Captain America, Avengers, and so on. This week I finally finished watching all of them (at least that I know of). I loved watching all the action, remembering the stories, and learning the lessons. These superheroes all had weaknesses or at least what they saw as weaknesses. Superman was a weirdo. Ironman was a selfish rich man. The Hulk had a anger management problem. Captain America was too physically weak for anything "worthwhile". But the thing is that these weaknesses could be changed.

In The Book of Mormon, Ether 12:27, it states, "And if men come unto me [the Lord] I will show unto them their weakness. I give unto men weakness that they may be humble; and my grace is sufficient for all men that humble themselves before me; for if they humble themselves before me, and have faith in me, then will I make weak things become strong unto them." There are many weaknesses which we all have (I could list my own in as many words as the dictionary), but we can use these weaknesses and turn them into strengths. I talked about this with a companion of mine in Croatia. For instance, pride as a whole is a bad attribute. But there are many characteristics of pride like being stubborn for what you believe is right and seeing the potential of the future. These characteristics are good things IF used within balance. A great strength is to fight for your goals and being stubborn enough to reach them. But if you're going overboard and missing out on the important things of life then that's where humility comes in to save your strength to not become a weakness. On the mission, I was known as an organizer. That was my strength, but it became a weakness when I missed out on living in the moment. I was focused on meeting our plans for the day, I didn't become humble enough to allow God to lead the plans of the day. Gratefully, I had companions who showed me how to enjoy the spontaneity of life. I'm still working on the balance, but I know that through time, I won't allow my talent of being organized become a weakness. I just need to be humble and see those opportunities where my weaknesses can become strengths and where my strengths can become even stronger.

I noticed in these superhero movies that all these men noticed themselves as weak. Well, maybe not Ironman at first, but he didn't give up when his circumstances made him weaker. His heart was changed to something that many would have thought held Tony Stark back. Yet he rose to the occasion and used his strengths to help raise his weaknesses. He was able to improve and change through time as he took the time to change his heart--physically and personality wise. (Did you notice at the end of each movie he had a better heart and he also became a better person? Love symbolism!) The Hulk turns into this radioactive strong huge man that goes off on anger emotions, but he learns to control his emotions for the use of good. (I'm not promoting anger, but I'm just trying to make a point) Superman had a rough childhood. He didn't understand who he was or why he was different than anyone else. Superman saw all his differences as weaknesses until he saw his true worth. He saw his potential. Then my favorite superhero, Captain America, was a determined man who was set back because others saw him as weak. But his physical weaknesses built his emotional and mental state into a man who Dr. Erskine saw. Those physical weaknesses gave him even stronger strengths which made him more worthy than anyone else for the change which would make him stronger than he could ever imagine.

We underestimate ourselves. We see our weaknesses as just that-weaknesses. But through time, God helps us see us as we truly are, we just need to accept the fact of how AMAZING we are. We are the superheroes. We may see ourselves as weak, but God sees us for who we truly are. Yes, there may need to be a change of heart or of sight. Or there may need to be a balancing act. But we honestly are superheroes. I can name several superheroes in my life. They wouldn't admit it that they are awesome because they see themselves as weak. But I would make a movie of their life because of the impact they have had to change this world into a better place. That's what superheroes do, right? For I know they have changed my world. So if you are feeling down because of all the 'weaknesses' you have. Change that mindset and be grateful because those weaknesses are making you into a stronger superhero. For God made it that way, so we could have faith in Him and grow into the best we can be. I know you can. I have faith in you like I do in my Savior, Jesus Christ who is the greatest superhero of all. He saved the world, and I know He continues to show us the way. Find the way. Find the change within yourself and see yourself as the superhero who you truly are. Volim vas.