Today was a day of closure. Closure on wondering how Natalie's parents are holding up. Closure on hearing about her dear cousin/best friend who is still on a mission and how she was doing. Closure on wondering how Natalie really, truly was on her mission. Closure on my wishes of seeing Natalie again in this life.
Deaths are hard. No, that's an understatement. Deaths are sometimes the most difficult trials we have to face. So many questions come to mind. So many regrets haunt us. So many mysteries stay as a mystery. This post is to put down some of my thoughts on death, but I'm going to start with my story with Natalie. So if you want to skip to my thoughts on death, go down until the video. But I want to write this next bit for my friend,
Natalie Anne Barnard.
I became a resident assistant in the fall of 2014. I was so excited because I loved freshman year, and I couldn't wait to help these girls experience freshman year with a bang! The first Sunday, I invited the girls to meet up to walk to church together. The only two who showed up were Natalie and Rachel (Natalie's cousin). I knew just from our short walk to church that this was the beginning of a great friendship. You see, I wasn't just Natalie's RA. We were classmates. We shared a class together which I will hold many fun, precious memories. We were each other's wing women. This is a picture of my first date after the mission with my roommate and some of her roommates before the boys showed up.
We were adopted roommates. I would make the long trek across the hallway to hang out with them and tell them my boy stories. I would wait at their apartment for them to come back from important dates. :) We were mission companions. We discussed about the huge decision of going on a mission or not. Was it right for her? When should she go? I was there pretty much every step of the way. We were almost roommates. The year following her freshman year, we discussed living in the same apartment. We even went apartment shopping and almost signed a contract together. But then she decided to go on a mission. I knew from the moment she told me that she was supposed to go. She had taken the matter to the Lord, and I trust her and the Lord that the short time she spent in Georgia was the time she needed to spend. We had more than just an RA/resident relationship. We were sisters.
We laughed and cried together. I loved spending every moment I could with Natalie, especially when she baked goodies. I always knew when to come over when I walked down the hallway with that sweet aroma filling the air. :)
She is a light to all those around her and brought joy with her wherever she went.
Natalie and my story was mainly for me, so I hope this next section can help some of you.
Death is such a difficult subject. Natalie's death was one of the hardest deaths for me because it was so unexpected. Most deaths of close friends and family were not as unexpecting because death came either through cancer or old age. But Natalie, she was 20 years old. She had so much potential. She told me about all her worries and dreams for the future. She had such a bright mortal life ahead of her.
Why does death have to happen?
To begin answering this question, I want to start with the story of "The Giver" by Lois Lowry. This is a story of a town which has constructed/forced itself to forget pain and avoid any possible hurt. One person in the whole town was given the responsibility of holding all the memories. This was to ensure that no one would have to remember the hurt of the past. This person takes the memories and gives it to a chosen boy or girl in the town, so the memories aren't lost whenever the first person holding the memories died. You see, the memories were still useful to not make the wrong decision twice. These memories were of everything that you could imagine. From the feel of snow to the sound of music to the sight of color to the warmth of love. But it also includes pain: sunburns, bee stings, fear of war, and death. But "he knew that there was no quick comfort for emotions like those. They were deeper and they did not need to be told. They were felt."
The story continues about the new receiver of memories, this boy's journey and how he discovers the world around him. Before, his life was simple. "The life where nothing was ever unexpected. Or inconvenient. Or unusual. The life without colour, pain, or past." He saw his new world in a different way. He found that he wanted more in his life other than life being the same. He wanted choices to see the world in a different way where he could decide what to do. Without change and choice, there was no purpose to living. The memories gave him a vision of what could be different. How life could be. There could be true joy. The kind where you are so grateful for what you have because you know what it means to truly lose something. "It's just that...without the memories, it's all meaningless." Without knowing the pain, you wouldn't know the joy.
Now if you want to know what the ending is, you'll have to read the book. The movie does a satisfactory representation, but as always, the book is so much better than the movies.
Now I hope you have connected where I'm going with this. Lois Lowry did a beautiful job creating a world where there was no true happiness because there was no true pain. Some can argue that the people were happy and content with their lives, but were they truly living? Were they experiencing life? Or were they living day by day the same way not understanding what it means to laugh until your sides hurt? To be passionate? To work so hard towards something that it is difficult to give up once you reach a point? To succeed beyond what you thought you were capable of doing? Would any of these joys be possible if there wasn't some heartache or pain in return? This is life. Life is hard, but to find happiness is worth the hard parts. If there was no opposition, there would be no joy. We would not understand good because then what is bad? There would have been no purpose of being created on this earth if there was no death (see 2 Nephi 2:11-12). "We came into this world to die. That was understood before we came here. It is part of the plan, all discussed and arranged long before men were placed upon the earth....We were ready and willing to make that journey from the presence of God in the spirit world to the mortal world, here to suffer all that pertains to this life, its pleasures and its sorrows, and to die; and death is just as essential as birth" (Joseph Fielding Smith).
There is so much sadness in deaths because we will miss our dear family members and friends, but there is hope. God loves ALL of his children despite what they do, He will always love His children. Therefore ALL will rise again. That's right, you heard me. ALL of God's children will be resurrected (Acts 24:15). You WILL see your loved ones again. I know this. God is too great to allow this to just be the end. There has to be more, and would God just let His children just disappear into oblivion? God is a just god, but He is also a merciful God. He wants to bring as much happiness that can be allowed. We just have to trust that He will follow through on His promises. We have to trust that He is there for us.
I want to end with a quote from "The Giver". "The worst part of holding the memories is not the pain. It's the loneliness of it. Memories need to be shared." However you mourn, whether it's writing a journal, talking to a friend, doing activities that loved one would have enjoyed, or blogging your feelings ;), share the memories you have. If anything, if no one else understands, there is one who can share your pain and joy, and that person is Christ. He suffered so much just so that he might know how to succor or help us (see Alma 7:11-12). Don't let him go through all that pain for nothing. He's there for you. He wants to share these difficult moments with you, so you don't have to feel that pain. I know he can, and I know he does. Volim vas.
