Tribute to Natalie: My Thoughts on Death

Today was a day of closure. Closure on wondering how Natalie's parents are holding up. Closure on hearing about her dear cousin/best friend who is still on a mission and how she was doing. Closure on wondering how Natalie really, truly was on her mission. Closure on my wishes of seeing Natalie again in this life.

Deaths are hard. No, that's an understatement. Deaths are sometimes the most difficult trials we have to face. So many questions come to mind. So many regrets haunt us. So many mysteries stay as a mystery. This post is to put down some of my thoughts on death, but I'm going to start with my story with Natalie. So if you want to skip to my thoughts on death, go down until the video. But I want to write this next bit for my friend, 

Natalie Anne Barnard.

I became a resident assistant in the fall of 2014. I was so excited because I loved freshman year, and I couldn't wait to help these girls experience freshman year with a bang! The first Sunday, I invited the girls to meet up to walk to church together. The only two who showed up were Natalie and Rachel (Natalie's cousin). I knew just from our short walk to church that this was the beginning of a great friendship. You see, I wasn't just Natalie's RA. We were classmates. We shared a class together which I will hold many fun, precious memories. We were each other's wing women. This is a picture of my first date after the mission with my roommate and some of her roommates before the boys showed up.

We were adopted roommates. I would make the long trek across the hallway to hang out with them and tell them my boy stories. I would wait at their apartment for them to come back from important dates. :) We were mission companions. We discussed about the huge decision of going on a mission or not. Was it right for her? When should she go? I was there pretty much every step of the way. We were almost roommates. The year following her freshman year, we discussed living in the same apartment. We even went apartment shopping and almost signed a contract together. But then she decided to go on a mission. I knew from the moment she told me that she was supposed to go. She had taken the matter to the Lord, and I trust her and the Lord that the short time she spent in Georgia was the time she needed to spend. We had more than just an RA/resident relationship. We were sisters.

We laughed and cried together. I loved spending every moment I could with Natalie, especially when she baked goodies. I always knew when to come over when I walked down the hallway with that sweet aroma filling the air. :) 

She is a light to all those around her and brought joy with her wherever she went. 

Natalie and my story was mainly for me, so I hope this next section can help some of you.

Death is such a difficult subject. Natalie's death was one of the hardest deaths for me because it was so unexpected. Most deaths of close friends and family were not as unexpecting because death came either through cancer or old age. But Natalie, she was 20 years old. She had so much potential. She told me about all her worries and dreams for the future. She had such a bright mortal life ahead of her.

Why does death have to happen?

To begin answering this question, I want to start with the story of "The Giver" by Lois Lowry. This is a story of a town which has constructed/forced itself to forget pain and avoid any possible hurt. One person in the whole town was given the responsibility of holding all the memories. This was to ensure that no one would have to remember the hurt of the past. This person takes the memories and gives it to a chosen boy or girl in the town, so the memories aren't lost whenever the first person holding the memories died. You see, the memories were still useful to not make the wrong decision twice. These memories were of everything that you could imagine. From the feel of snow to the sound of music to the sight of color to the warmth of love. But it also includes pain: sunburns, bee stings, fear of war, and death. But "he knew that there was no quick comfort for emotions like those. They were deeper and they did not need to be told. They were felt." 

The story continues about the new receiver of memories, this boy's journey and how he discovers the world around him. Before, his life was simple. "The life where nothing was ever unexpected. Or inconvenient. Or unusual. The life without colour, pain, or past." He saw his new world in a different way. He found that he wanted more in his life other than life being the same. He wanted choices to see the world in a different way where he could decide what to do. Without change and choice, there was no purpose to living. The memories gave him a vision of what could be different. How life could be. There could be true joy. The kind where you are so grateful for what you have because you know what it means to truly lose something. "It's just that...without the memories, it's all meaningless." Without knowing the pain, you wouldn't know the joy. 

Now if you want to know what the ending is, you'll have to read the book. The movie does a satisfactory representation, but as always, the book is so much better than the movies.

Now I hope you have connected where I'm going with this. Lois Lowry did a beautiful job creating a world where there was no true happiness because there was no true pain. Some can argue that the people were happy and content with their lives, but were they truly living? Were they experiencing life? Or were they living day by day the same way not understanding what it means to laugh until your sides hurt? To be passionate? To work so hard towards something that it is difficult to give up once you reach a point? To succeed beyond what you thought you were capable of doing? Would any of these joys be possible if there wasn't some heartache or pain in return? This is life. Life is hard, but to find happiness is worth the hard parts. If there was no opposition, there would be no joy. We would not understand good because then what is bad? There would have been no purpose of being created on this earth if there was no death (see 2 Nephi 2:11-12). "We came into this world to die. That was understood before we came here. It is part of the plan, all discussed and arranged long before men were placed upon the earth....We were ready and willing to make that journey from the presence of God in the spirit world to the mortal world, here to suffer all that pertains to this life, its pleasures and its sorrows, and to die; and death is just as essential as birth" (Joseph Fielding Smith). 

There is so much sadness in deaths because we will miss our dear family members and friends, but there is hope. God loves ALL of his children despite what they do, He will always love His children. Therefore ALL will rise again. That's right, you heard me. ALL of God's children will be resurrected (Acts 24:15). You WILL see your loved ones again. I know this. God is too great to allow this to just be the end. There has to be more, and would God just let His children just disappear into oblivion? God is a just god, but He is also a merciful God. He wants to bring as much happiness that can be allowed. We just have to trust that He will follow through on His promises. We have to trust that He is there for us. 

I want to end with a quote from "The Giver". "The worst part of holding the memories is not the pain. It's the loneliness of it. Memories need to be shared." However you mourn, whether it's writing a journal, talking to a friend, doing activities that loved one would have enjoyed, or blogging your feelings ;), share the memories you have. If anything, if no one else understands, there is one who can share your pain and joy, and that person is Christ. He suffered so much just so that he might know how to succor or help us (see Alma 7:11-12). Don't let him go through all that pain for nothing. He's there for you. He wants to share these difficult moments with you, so you don't have to feel that pain. I know he can, and I know he does. Volim vas.

Believe, Desire, See

I can't believe it. I'm going to be a teacher.

This realization came these past few weeks. I'm in the Elementary Education program, and I'm in the part which emphasizes teaching in the classrooms. We learn about teaching in K-2 classrooms intensely for 2 months, and then we're out in the classrooms for a month! AHHH!!!! A week ago Friday, we visited three classrooms all different grades from K-2. Seeing the teachers teach with such passion, energy, precision, and love gave me the excitement to teach. Afterwards, there was this energy coursing through me which I couldn't contain. I just wanted to raise my hand and say, "Choose me! I want to try!!! I want to be just like you!" But then this dream feeling came over me. I saw myself as a teacher, and it was unreal. I felt like I was looking at something I wanted, but I couldn't touch. Very surreal. Anxiety started to surge my soul. What if I won't become a teacher? All these plans and dreams become wasted? What if I am not able to become the teacher I need to be? The teacher He, the Lord, wants me to be? Who He needs me to be? Then I was filled with peace. The peace that said I've gone through this before. I then realized, I have felt this surreal feeling and anxiety before. Many, many times before.

I was nervous every single basketball practice/game or before every theatre performance.

I was anxious when I started BYU.

I felt incompetent pretty much every day of the mission right from the get go.

And I felt lost when I came home from the mission...also right from the get go. Even if I look so confident. ;)

(I know you love these pictures so much Mom and Dad. I just had to put them in.)

All of these moments and many more came with uncertainty. They came with desire. They came with doubts. But the most important part is that these moments came, and I did the best I could with each moment. Before these events happened, I couldn't imagine being on stage or being at college, but then I did it. I proved myself wrong and accomplished what I was nervous about. I remember before going on my mission seeing missionaries on the street or in videos and thinking, "Wow. That would be so cool. I can't wait to be like them." I then went on a mission. One day, my trainer and I were walking, and I just stopped. My companion turns to me and asked why I stopped. I replied, "I just pictured us like the missionaries in the Ensign. Sister, we are missionaries!" She laughed, but it hit me. I was a missionary for The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. I have been seeing missionaries since I was little and dreaming about being a missionary since I was 17. I was fulfilling a vision which my heart and mind couldn't understand but deeply desired. I trusted in the Lord that this is what I needed to do, but it was hard for me to encompass that picture. But there I was. A sister in Croatia, walking the streets of Rijeka, preaching the good Word to those around me. Now I'm home. Reminiscing on the wonderful times. Not just as a missionary, but on all the moments I was nervous and couldn't see what the Lord could see. I needed time and a vision. "For if there is no vision, the people perish..." (Proverbs 29:18). With all of these events, I had hoped and desired for them to come true which made a chain reaction to seeing the vision and completing the Lord's vision.

So becoming a teacher is something I can't touch...at least...not yet. I just need to see with "an eye of faith." For when I do, I will be glad (Ether 12:19). I can testify of that. For I am so glad and grateful for the visions Heavenly Father helped me see. All the ones I mentioned above and so many more. And I know that I will continue to need help seeing what the Lord sees. That's the thing...I will continue. I need to keep moving forward figuring out what I need and want, but more importantly what the Lord needs and wants. For if I align my will with His, it will be such a more beautiful tapestry than I could ever imagine (see God's Time). I may not understand how I will fulfill the role of a teacher or even picture myself as a full-time teacher, but I'm excited. I'm excited to laugh every day with my students. I'm excited to decorate my classroom. I'm excited to learn from their examples. I'm excited to see the light of understanding in their eyes. Yes, being a teacher isn't all sunshine and rainbows, but it will be worth it. I can't wait to understand fully why it will be worth it. I can't wait for that day when I'll stop in my classroom like I did in Croatia many months ago and see myself as a teacher. That will be a blessed day.

I know that day will come. I also know your day will come. There may be things you are going through which you can't comprehend entirely like being a mom or dad, dating someone who fits everything you wanted and needed, being a missionary, finishing college, starting college, being an empty nester, teaching your kids to be the best they can be, or anything else. There are so many positions we can be in. There are so many places we need to be. But with Heavenly Father by our side, we can have the faith to see with His eyes and see His vision. We just need to picture it. We need to have faith and patience in His timing. It's hard to understand sometimes, but the truth comes. We see what we can fulfill. Then when we have accomplished that...the next opportunity comes. So don't be afraid. Just trust and take that step. For He will always be there to step right with us and show us so much more. Are you excited? I am. Life is a beauty. Can you see it? Can you see yourself in it? Look, because you're there. Volim vas.

Courage to Stand

Throughout my life, I have seen the power of courage within myself and others. I've seen the courage of not knowing when all things will be made right. I've seen the courage of stopping and talking to a stranger. I've seen the courage of a mother teaching her child love and respect even though it would be easier to let her child do what the child wants. I've seen the courage of waking up earlier in the morning to do scripture study even if the night was used to study for an exam the next day. I've seen the courage of family members let a loved one pass away. I've seen many other acts of courage which will be imprinted on my heart forever. It's crazy how much influence the power of one can make.

I've been thinking about this recently of ways that I can be more courageous or I can be more uncomfortable in order to grow. My thoughts turned to my mission. During my mission, I learned to pray all the time even if I have to stop in the middle of a street and bow my head right then and there. It felt more natural to stop as a missionary because something about that name tag gives a power and safety I haven't felt any other time in my life. Now that I'm home, it's harder to find those moments to immediately show faith through prayer even though the prayers are just as needed. For instance, blessing the food before each meal. Since I'm not living with my family, it's interesting to pray for my meal no matter where I am at. But I have noticed when I don't take the time to stop and talk to my Heavenly Father even if I'm in a crowded restaurant. I'm not trying to be more spiritual than those around me. I'm not trying to boast in any sort of way, but prayer is a necessity. I need those prayers. Yes, I have a prayer constantly in my heart, but there's a power to physically stopping, taking a second, and thanking God for the moment. If Daniel in the lion's den could say a prayer in the open with no shame while facing the possibility of death (see Daniel 6:7-10), I can take a minute and talk to my Father in Heaven the deepest desires of my heart or simply thanking Him for the blessings of that day. Who knows? My physical action could be a reminder for someone else to take some time to communicate with his or her Heavenly Father. Not to mention the communication I have with God will strengthen me to help me face the rest of the day.

The power of one is an amazing power. That is why each and every one of us is important. It always makes me sad to hear about suicides, and the person believed life would be better without him or her. This is not true whatsoever. "The worth of souls is great in the sight of God" (D&C 18:10). He loves each and everyone of us. He sees the power of influencing the one (see 3 Nephi 17:21). So have the courage to influence the one even if that one is yourself. The more that you try to have the courage to do what is right, the more you will realize that you are not alone. President Monson gave a wonderful talk about having courage to stand alone when in reality you're never alone when you stand with your Father in Heaven (President Thomas S. Monson). Have the courage to stand brothers and sisters (those of my faith or not). For you never know who is watching and the impact you will have on their life. Volim vas.

Teachings from a Child

I have always loved kids. I remember as a kid always wanting to be a teacher. Memories from helping in my previous teachers' classrooms to creating my own classroom with my dolls as the students (not the most lively bunch though). This last summer just continued my love for children. I was able to be in a child care ages infant to 8 (those little munchkins are too adorable!). I also had the blessed opportunity to teach 3 classes aged 4-10. The classes emphasized learning through theatre, dance, visual art, and music (definitely opened my eyes to what it's going to be like being a teacher of my own classroom). Then I ended last week with an amazing camp called Camp Kesem which is a camp for kids whose parents have/had cancer. This is a week for them to just be kids and have a week to get away from the troubles many people never have to experience including myself. They can come for free through donations just a simple click away! *cough* But this isn't my plug for Camp Kesem donations. That will come later. What I want to write in this blog is my thoughts on what I learned from these kids of questions I gather from others and myself. I have more than just what I wrote down, but these are a few of my highlights.

Why can't I just have everything? Or why don't I have what others have?
In life, I look at some people and just see how good life is for them. They have scholarships, cars, nice apartments, and everything else that I want in life. But sometimes we don't receive toys or we just give up on some toys because there's something better that's coming up. One time a boy (let's say Josh) was playing with a truck and another boy (Ben) wanted to play with it. We told Ben no because Josh was playing with it. Then Josh willingly gave up the truck. Ben was so happy, but I'm sure Josh is the winner in the end. Ben may have been given what he wanted, but Josh got something that is much more valuable: friendship. Ben was so loyal to Josh the rest of the day. Whatever Josh needed, Ben made Josh got it from blocks to trucks to the little toy people. When someone was getting a little fiesty at Josh, Ben was right there by Josh's side for support. The loyalty that came through this day was much better than anything that Josh could have given up. Seeing Josh giving up a way fun and valued toy to Ben without even realizing the consequences made me think of my life. How many things have I given freely to others and received something even better in return? How many times has someone given their time and talents to me and now I feel a devotion and love towards them? Christ had everything and gave it all up for us. How much closer is my relationship with Christ because I don't have everything but He is willing to give me? Just some questions that have gone through my mind.

Why do things get taken away especially those we love?
When I was in 8th grade, I remember this one girl who didn't believe in God. I don't know how we got to this conversation but she just yelled at me, "If God was so loving, why did he take my little sister and daddy away from me?" She turned around and just ran off. I didn't run after her because I didn't know what to tell her. As the years went by, I came up with little excuses like "Because it's God's will" or "At least they're in a better place" but to someone who has lost someone they have loved, these are hard and honestly, lame excuses. They are true, but they don't really comfort, at least it wouldn't to me. As I have watched these kids, they get all torn when their moms drop them off. It seems to them that they will never see their moms ever again. Or a friend leaves them to go home even when they are having such a good time. But all these instances don't last forever. We will see those loved ones again. It's stinkin' hard in the meantime because we miss them so much. We are so dependent on them. We find such a greater love for them that it hurts. But when they leave, we find the strength in ourselves and find out how independent we are. As I saw these kids get torn up this last summer, I gained such a greater confirmation that someone knows what's going on in life. Someone (aka God)  knows the timing of all. He understands the why's and how's. He knows. But more importantly He understands what we are going through and loves us even if we are crying and asking why multiple times, and just hitting our hands against the door over and over again crying out in pain wondering how those loved ones could leave when we love them so much. Through all that heartache, He loves us still. (There was only one time that I couldn't handle being with a screaming kid anymore, but his scream was pretty high pitched and we eventually called his mom). But I know Heavenly Father would have kept trying with that kid. He would and does put His arms around us. This leads to my next question.

Where is the comfort when I need it?
There are several reactions I got this last summer trying to comfort a child. 1. Snuggle in the arms (my favorite!), 2. Push away (don't take it personally), and 3. Cry for a minute then find a distraction like a toy. There are more reactions, but I'm going to focus on these three. Trying to comfort a tired child or a child who is missing something or someone is sometimes very difficult. There are times when I can't do anything. I've tried to hold them and they just push me away or I do a funny face or give a toy and no reaction other than a cry. It's heartbreaking. One time when I was holding a little girl and just rocking her back and forth, she just kept crying for mom, I kept saying, "Don't worry. Mommy's coming back soon." But this didn't stop her. I thought of how silly it was when this girl comes in every day and goes home with mom every day. She should know by now that her mom will come back. But then I realized how much I was like this. How many times have I cried out to my Heavenly Father asking for His help and felt like I wasn't getting an answer? How many times have I received an answer and didn't realize that that was the answer because I was too distraught that I didn't see? Heavenly Father wants to send us peace, we just have to notice the comfort and accept it. God also sends material things with us to comfort us just like a child given his or her bottle or blanket. We are given things like the Book of Mormon to comfort us. People also step in when we need that physical sense of comfort through a hug or a compliment. God knows what we need. Sometimes we just have to see what He's giving us and stop pity partying ourselves. Look at what is given around us and see how life is a beauty.

A year ago, I received the impression to go home the next summer. I was shocked. I thought going home was for lame college kids who couldn't find a social life at their college. I was wrong. I needed to be home this last summer. There were many reasons, but these lessons from these kids was one of the reasons. I'm back at school and as I was walking to work, written on the ground were the words "You've Changed". It's so true. The past few months I have grown dramatically inside (thank goodness not physically cuz it's hard enough finding a guy with my height ;). But seriously, even within a few months, drastic changes can happen. I saw so many kids change the few months I was in child care and teaching classes. Even within a week at Camp Kesem, I saw the strength and desire to be better illuminate in those amazing kids. This is a change that God sees in ourselves. We should be changing all the time. We need to act on faith that God won't let us fail as long as we are following Him. He may let us fall sometimes, but it's so we can learn how to get back up and find the strength within ourselves to keep going. If you haven't taken time to learn these lessons from a child, I challenge you to find someone, anyone from your own child to a neighbor and spend some quality time with them. Apply what they are learning to what you are learning, and you may find how children truly are "submissive, meek, humble, patient, full of love, willing to submit to all things which the Lord seeth fit to inflict upon him, even as a child doth submit to his father" (Mosiah 3:19). You'll be amazed from the lessons you can learn. Volim vas.

What is Equality? My View on the Gay Topic

The last few years, I have studied and prayed over the LGBTQ (Lesbian, Gay, Bi-sexual, Transgender, and Queer) topic. In high school, it was something very foreign to me. I didn't understand it. I still don't all the way. But over the last month, I've been working on this blog trying to put my thoughts together. I hope as you read this that your mind will stay open and allow me to try to explain my opinions and beliefs.

The last few years, LGBTQ has been a very hot topic. People keep expressing views and opinions and trying to be "politically correct". I have had many friends and family members express their thoughts in polar opposite ways. As I kept hearing these conflicting messages, I was confused. I didn't know how to respond. I wanted to have an opinion. Do I choose the side that keeps talking about free agency? Or do I choose the side of traditional belief that marriage is between a man and a woman? Both had understandable arguments, but I didn't know how to express my thoughts. I always agreed and still agree that everyone has free agency. Everyone can make their own choices, but I never supported homo-sexual marriage. How do I express my thoughts without making one side or the other upset? What evidence supports what I think? So my search began.

I read the words of prophets and apostles. I talked to some friends who are gay. Last semester, I took a class which we looked at the LGBTQ view in a theatre way. There are so many different opinions. There's so much passion towards what people believe. There have been so many people who have felt lost, unimportant and hurt on both sides. But as my search continued, I decided to defend with what the prophets have declared years ago in "The Family: A Proclamation to the World". It says in the first sentence that "...marriage between a man and a woman is ordained of God...." As a missionary, I taught that participating in homo-sexual relations is against the Law of Chasity, one of God's commandments (Preach My Gospel). I will never vote for same-sex marriage because why would I vote for something where I believe it's against God's commandments? A girl in church said today that I very much agree to it. She talked about homosexuality and how some are born with it, but she also mentioned how it's like anxiety and depression, "Just because depression and anxiety run in my family, I won't be happier if I just give into it." Same-gender attraction is a natural man feeling that one has to control just like I can't act out my hetro-sexual attraction before marriage and even then only to one man. It won't make me happier if I broke that commandment. Now before you stop reading because you think that's all I have to say, and I'm a closed-minded traditionalist, please, keep reading on.

One of the arguments for those who are pro homo-sexual marriage is that everyone deserves equality. But I'm here to say that equality does not mean that people get the same rights and privileges. I'm studying to be a teacher and often we discuss how fairness and equality can be reached in the classroom. We don't give every single child the exact same book. We don't give them the exact same math problem. We work on individual needs. We find out where they are and teach from there. Equality means reaching to what every person needs. Now I'm not saying one group is lower than another, just like I strongly believe that each child is not lower than another. Everyone has their weaknesses and strengths. Hopefully, every child is striving to be better. Just like hopefully, we are all striving to be better. And God knows knows every need and how we can become better. He loves and understands all even if I don't (see 1 Nephi 11:17). I don't know why there is same-sex attraction, and I may never know in this life. But the closest logical reason I can come up with is so that I, and all of us, can have the opportunity to understand people who have had to deal differently with life than I have had to. So I can be forgiven of my misunderstandings and take time to understand. So I can learn how to listen without judgement. I'm not perfect, but I'm grateful for those friends and strangers who have taken the time to tell me their story and listen to my questions and opinions without judgement towards me. For life is a long path, but it's even longer when we don't listen to each other and judge each other for our differences.

Now these differences include accepting the opinions of those who oppose same-sex marriage. Many people say LGBTQ needs acceptance. What about those who oppose same-sex marriage? Don't they deserve acceptance to their own opinions and beliefs? I have felt this way many times in my life. I have felt belittled and avoided because I'm a "Molly Mormon". But that's ok. It gives me a taste of what others feel like in a different way. I understand that some of my friends who haven't talked to me since they have 'come out of the closet' for the reason of not knowing my reaction. 10 years ago, I admit my reaction would have been different than today because I didn't understand. I didn't know how to react. But today, I would just treat them like I have since I first met them--with love. Thank goodness for change and for the ability to learn and understand. Yes, I do not have a perfect understanding, but I know that someone does--Jesus Christ.

Christ understands. That's why He suffered in the Garden of Gethsemane and on Calvary, so He could have the ability and capacity to understand. And I can testify that He does. I have felt the Spirit of truth testify it to me (John 15:26). And as I keep trying to understand life and its mysteries, the Spirit will continue to teach me as long as I'm humble enough to hear it.

Now you may or may not be wondering, why I am posting this blog. I usually just put up the blogs that everyone can at least semi-agree with not any of this hot topic stuff. As I have gone to Institute this summer, I have learned and felt like I need to defend my faith better. I served a mission and felt like I represented the Lord as best as I could, but I can do better now. I need to show my faith and beliefs even if it's against what others may think. No one can take my faith from me, but I need to be able to explain and show my faith to others so they can understand why I believe the way I do. This is a time where we need each other to stand together not stand a part with no ears. Take time to hear one another. Take time to show love to one another. For that's what Christ would have done, and that's what I'm trying to do. Thanks for reading this with open ears and an open heart. I hope it helps you understand more of what I believe. Volim vas.

Coming Home is Hard

I thought about holding this post out until my year anniversary coming home from my mission, but I felt like I should do it now.

Before coming home from my mission, people mentioned to me that it's hard. But no one could prepare me for how hard it would be. The last few weeks of my mission were the best I could have imagined. My companion and I worked as diligently as we could and because of that we saw the miracles. Miracles I had been praying for, and Heavenly Father blessed me by answering those prayers (Week #79). Even though I ended my mission better than I could have imagined, it still didn't change the fact how much I loved the people. How much I loved Croatia. How much I loved being a missionary (Week #76). One night about 5 weeks before I went home, my companion said that I was just denying how excited I was to go home and wanted to stop being a missionary. I looked at her and said firmly, "No. I love being a missionary." I then just started sobbing. I couldn't control it. I didn't want to stop being a missionary. I didn't want this time to end. I knew there would be no other time I would be a young full-time missionary ever again.

As mentioned in my last e-mail (Week #79), the last few days I was a hot mess. I remember the last bus ride to our apartment. We had just finished a fantastic lesson with my brother and sister from Rijeka who were the first Croats I met when I had arrived 17 months earlier. I was so happy. I couldn't contain myself. Then I thought about going home in 2 days. I started bawling. I was leaving. I then got excited because faces of people came into my mind. My mom, my dad, sisters, brother, in-laws, nieces, a nephew, and 3 nephews I hadn't even met yet. Friends and family who I love and have missed so dearly. I looked out the window. We were coming up a hill. The hill which you could see all of Rijeka and the sea so perfectly. The lights were shining so brilliantly on the buildings, the stars on the sea, and the boats in the distance. The tears came slower this time but steadily. How could I leave? How could I just continue on when I got home? My companion and I sat on the balcony enjoying a watermelon together reminiscing on the good times, laughing over the awkward times and talking about all the miracles that will happen to these amazing people even when I'm home.

Then before I knew it I was on a plane. I thought about the night before with my mission president, his family, and other missionaries who these countries were going to miss dearly. Who I was going to miss dearly. On the plane rides home, I still was able to have missionary experiences which comforted me. But the most uncomfortable I felt the entire time wasn't when I had to try to sleep through a 16 hour flight, wasn't when I left my companion being alone for the first time, it was when I was in the Denver airport. People were speaking English. There were people with cowboy hats and boots. It was all so strangely familiar, but how come I felt like I would feel more comfortable on an old bus with people who only knew Croatian with no air conditioning in 35 degree Celsius weather? Why did I feel so alone when people were speaking my native tongue? It's because I was transitioning. I was about to start my next destination.

Transitions are the worst. It's such an awkward and hard time. It's like driving a stick shift. It's hard to get used to especially for the first time or driving a car or truck you have never driven before. But if you want to get somewhere, you have to go through it. You have to try changing the gears even if it gives a weird sound. You have to balance the pedals. Sometimes make those scary left turns hoping that the car doesn't kill. Sometimes going up hill and then the car killing anyways. But you don't just sit there and give up. You start the car up again because it's worth it. You have to have faith that where you are going is better than where you are now-in the car and in life. It stinks sometimes especially when you loved the place that you were at and you don't want an ending. But the thing is that it isn't an ending. It's a beginning. As Elder Dieter F. Uchtdorf said at this last general conference, "The more we learn about the gospel of Jesus Christ, the more we realize that endings here in mortality are not endings at all. They are merely interruptions--temporary pauses that one day will seem small compared to the eternal joy awaiting the faithful...there are no true endings, only everlasting beginnings." It isn't in our nature to love endings, but if we see with an eye of faith, we will be glad (Ether 12:19). We will see that every ending is a beginning.

As I have come home, I have found some bumps in the road. I have "killed" the car a few times. But I also have gotten to many places where I want and need to be. I have met so many amazing people along the way. And I have faith that as I continue to change gears and move forward, I will get to the destination where I want to be with my Heavenly Father and brother, Jesus Christ. If you feel like you are stuck in the ditch, look up. There's someone there ready to teach you how to get out. I know this. I can't believe how many times He has answered me and helped me even though I'm very dumb and stubborn sometimes. But He is still there. He loves me. And He loves you. He's there for you. He's there to teach you how to move forward and has given you the tools how. Keep going. Keep smiling. There is hope. Volim vas.

Weak Superheroes

Ever since coming back from my mission, I heard of all these superhero movies: Iron-Man, the Hulk, Captain America, Avengers, and so on. This week I finally finished watching all of them (at least that I know of). I loved watching all the action, remembering the stories, and learning the lessons. These superheroes all had weaknesses or at least what they saw as weaknesses. Superman was a weirdo. Ironman was a selfish rich man. The Hulk had a anger management problem. Captain America was too physically weak for anything "worthwhile". But the thing is that these weaknesses could be changed.

In The Book of Mormon, Ether 12:27, it states, "And if men come unto me [the Lord] I will show unto them their weakness. I give unto men weakness that they may be humble; and my grace is sufficient for all men that humble themselves before me; for if they humble themselves before me, and have faith in me, then will I make weak things become strong unto them." There are many weaknesses which we all have (I could list my own in as many words as the dictionary), but we can use these weaknesses and turn them into strengths. I talked about this with a companion of mine in Croatia. For instance, pride as a whole is a bad attribute. But there are many characteristics of pride like being stubborn for what you believe is right and seeing the potential of the future. These characteristics are good things IF used within balance. A great strength is to fight for your goals and being stubborn enough to reach them. But if you're going overboard and missing out on the important things of life then that's where humility comes in to save your strength to not become a weakness. On the mission, I was known as an organizer. That was my strength, but it became a weakness when I missed out on living in the moment. I was focused on meeting our plans for the day, I didn't become humble enough to allow God to lead the plans of the day. Gratefully, I had companions who showed me how to enjoy the spontaneity of life. I'm still working on the balance, but I know that through time, I won't allow my talent of being organized become a weakness. I just need to be humble and see those opportunities where my weaknesses can become strengths and where my strengths can become even stronger.

I noticed in these superhero movies that all these men noticed themselves as weak. Well, maybe not Ironman at first, but he didn't give up when his circumstances made him weaker. His heart was changed to something that many would have thought held Tony Stark back. Yet he rose to the occasion and used his strengths to help raise his weaknesses. He was able to improve and change through time as he took the time to change his heart--physically and personality wise. (Did you notice at the end of each movie he had a better heart and he also became a better person? Love symbolism!) The Hulk turns into this radioactive strong huge man that goes off on anger emotions, but he learns to control his emotions for the use of good. (I'm not promoting anger, but I'm just trying to make a point) Superman had a rough childhood. He didn't understand who he was or why he was different than anyone else. Superman saw all his differences as weaknesses until he saw his true worth. He saw his potential. Then my favorite superhero, Captain America, was a determined man who was set back because others saw him as weak. But his physical weaknesses built his emotional and mental state into a man who Dr. Erskine saw. Those physical weaknesses gave him even stronger strengths which made him more worthy than anyone else for the change which would make him stronger than he could ever imagine.

We underestimate ourselves. We see our weaknesses as just that-weaknesses. But through time, God helps us see us as we truly are, we just need to accept the fact of how AMAZING we are. We are the superheroes. We may see ourselves as weak, but God sees us for who we truly are. Yes, there may need to be a change of heart or of sight. Or there may need to be a balancing act. But we honestly are superheroes. I can name several superheroes in my life. They wouldn't admit it that they are awesome because they see themselves as weak. But I would make a movie of their life because of the impact they have had to change this world into a better place. That's what superheroes do, right? For I know they have changed my world. So if you are feeling down because of all the 'weaknesses' you have. Change that mindset and be grateful because those weaknesses are making you into a stronger superhero. For God made it that way, so we could have faith in Him and grow into the best we can be. I know you can. I have faith in you like I do in my Savior, Jesus Christ who is the greatest superhero of all. He saved the world, and I know He continues to show us the way. Find the way. Find the change within yourself and see yourself as the superhero who you truly are. Volim vas.